nbsb

sunday, 11:08 pm, in front of the pc, drowning in thoughts...

so, it's been a while since i have last typed an entry in my blog. you see, i'm quite a lazy person, even turning on the computer is tiring for me... hahaha. (pretty ironic, as this is coming from a varsity player...) i guess i really didn't have energy to type as i don't find any motivation to. life must've been so-so for the past months that's why i didn't create a new blog entry.

and so, here i am, with an update...

life sucked back in 2007 and it rocks in 2008.

lucky for me, i had a good start. like every other high school senior out there, i was anticipating my college entrance results. i painstakingly went through the countless prayers, sleepless nights, butterflies in the stomach and all those hurly burlies... i was nervous... fortunately, i got all my results and all were good. :) yey.

so that's academic... we also have a new varsity coach and well, my team's now compet... we suck in the competitive division but hey, it's better than being developmental my whole stay in assumption.

'nuff said, i'm quite veering away from my main purpose of visiting my secret blog to "let it all out". loud as i am, i really don't have the courage to say i'm hurting to anybody. it's my own fault actually, but you can't blame me from hiding it, it was heartbreak...

heartbreak from an unrequited love. hahaha

i'm not a cheesy person so it's hard to post this.. hahaha. and to think that maybe somebody i know will be able to read this...

so, here goes... i never really one who had these things... haha... i'm too preoccupied with being a student that i don't really focus on "petty" things. well, i was, as i believe, and as i still describe myself, an "isolated" case, a wallflower, a loner, and a late bloomer...

you see, i never had any run-ins with love nor did i have any run-ins with the aliens from mars (a.k.a. boys) at all. i really am, literally, an isolated piece of crap. haha. but things change and you'd get to meet some guys you'd never expect to really like.

Unfortunately for me, i did. sometime ago. i actually had two. i met them almost the same day... you see, i met the other friday night and the other saturday morning. less than a day apart, with two different personas...

the first was the artsy fartsy drummer dude while the other was the stereotypical jock. both were nice and both seemed friendly. the former seemed interested while the latter was polite. nevertheless, i don't have anyone of them at present and that, for the sake of a less lengthier entry, i shall only talk about the latter.

this dude was a work in progress. no, change that, we were a work in progress. joined by my unfortunate stature, we got to know each other not so very well but we did get to know each other... i never really know anything regarding of his perception of me nor did i have the courage to ask anyone who knows... heck, i was too scared that i never dared think of how he might think of me... haha. so there. it was my first phase of unrequity... (unrequity will be my term for this "unrequited love" as this term makes me queezy... and so as to protect myself from having my dad read all these... shit. hahaha)

you see, this relationship sort of focused on me and how my friends reacts... obviously, he was any girl would want... and obviously, i wasn't the girl any guy with want. (well, i thought i was a good catch until he broke my heart... hahaha) friends say we looked good together... and honestly, these were comments that weren't fished... they came out of nowhere as if he and i were the best items to be discussed whenever my big bunch of friends decide to gather round. i never really saw him as anything for the first few months but things really did "evolve" after connections were dropped and after not seeing each other - on my part.I had a strange feeling of liking him more for no reason at all. i even thought of him all the time and saw his face everywhere... i was weirdly attracted to him... in fact, i think i was secretly falling for him. i know he wasn't really dropping any hints but it seemed like it... i knew he was way out of my league but i even thought that i may be way out of his league... i was tormented by my thoughts and feelings and at the same time, i was perplexed, anxious, confused, and giddy.

so this is who i am... i even believe so until this present time...

he's like a drug i'm craving for. cheesy but it really is true. unfortunately, this is all there is...

a few weeks or maybe days ago, he had all these cyber comments that insinuates that he's in love... i know, it's ot like he's getting married, but it feels bad that all along, i was stuck at the short time we've spent together while he was out there living his life... yes, i blame myself, i know where i stand, and that i'm so sick that i can't get any worse... yes, it hurts to know that i was living in my own fantasyland and that it was only me who made all my kilig moments up but i can't blame myself for not liking him... in fact, i can't even get mad at myself, i just feel scared to think that i may be an Eponine. (Les Miserables for those with eyebrows up in the sky right now)

It's also irritating to know i can't move on because i don't even know where to start. Unlike my batchmates, i'm no social butterfly... I don't have guy friends nor have i been introduced to many... i have no rebound boy and my desperate resort is to stick to my korean actors and past crushes. I try to heal my broken fantasyland by putting up another fantasyworld... my pretentions try to heal what's left of my broken dreams.

so here i am, badly injured inside. it hurts more than any other injuries i had on my ankles, spinal and fingers and well, it can't be healed by a couple of mefenamic tablets and a tube of bengay.

so here i am, writing all these, hoping that in letting it all out, i've actually forgone the whole thing.

i just hope that some day, or maybe tomorrow, i'll wake up with a smile on my face knowing i have my special someone just like how he has his.

from this day on, i'll stick to choosing between my two real boys...

Ateneo De Manila University or University of the Philippines - Diliman???

too much for bragging.... :))

cheka.out.


P.S.
if there is anyone out there as dashingly handsome as josh hartnett, as sizzling hot as steven strait, as buff and athletic as marc nelson, and as smart and charismatic as conan o'brien who is single, then maybe you can be kind enough to let me know how it is to like someone on a two-way street. hahahaha. :))